Coming Out
by colormerainbows21
Summary: A story of the struggles one faces when coming out to their parents, from the point of view of Olivia and Elliot's son, Luca Stabler.
1. Chapter 1

**Coming Out**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Law & Order: SVU or any of its affiliated characters. Any additional characters I have created are figments of my own imagination, intended to bear no resemblance to any real persons. Any actual similarities are purely coincidental.

I sat in Mr. Nordstrom's sixth period Chem class in the same spot I always sat, taking notes with the same pen I always used, only this time, I was on autopilot. Nothing that was being said registered with any part of my brain. I loved this class, but today I understood none of it, and I didn't care to try.

_Twenty minutes, I can do this._ The clock's hands seemed to move agonizingly slowly, as I tried to convince myself that in the next twenty minutes, things would be better, I would be free. Even as I went over it in my mind, I knew it was bullshit. I was never free, and I wouldn't be until the truth was out. In the moment, sitting in my desk, taking notes I really didn't even realize I was taking, I felt like a complete dick.

I had yet again recently broken up with my girlfriend, and not given her a reason. Routinely, I went with the 'it's-not-you-it's-me' cop out explanation. For years I had dumped girls just when they got close enough to make me nervous, telling myself each time that I just hadn't met the right one. You know how when you tell yourself certain things enough times, you start to believe them? That's how it was with me, and the lie that there was a kind of girl out there that I hadn't met. I told myself this so often, it was cemented in my mind as truth- until I met Jarrett.

I had never seen anybody like him before. Once I'd actually grown the balls to talk to him and gotten to know him, I'd learned that he'd moved here from Florida, and chosen not to come to my school because of convenience, but due to the epic reputation of our sports teams. He was on just about every one of them, and failed at nothing. It was like as soon as he switched uniforms, any game was effortless for him. Even if he didn't know the rules, he could probably play and win.

Jarrett was easier for me to talk to than any girl I'd ever been with. Conversation flowed, and even the awkward moments where we made complete asses of ourselves were funny. I never went through consciously deciding whether to open up to him or not, like I did when meeting most people for the first time. People often said that deep human connections were incredibly rare, and I believed it. You couldn't trust everybody, but something about Jarrett told me that his eyes and his soul would hold all my secrets, no matter how dark they were.

I don't really remember a distinct moment in getting to know him that verified to me that I was gay; it simply became obvious that he was the proverbial 'something missing' that I'd looked for in all the girls I had dated. There was no leaving when things got scary with him, because no matter how much I gave him, how often I contemplated that if things disintegrated between us he could potentially use all my secrets against me, it never frightened me.

I often recall the one and only time I'd ever been afraid in his presence, and laugh at myself for it now. The first time I told him I loved him. I distinctly remember the sweating of my palms, the churning of thoughts within my head. _What if he's not actually gay? What if he hates me? What if he outs me to everyone else?_

None of my fears turned out to be relevant, though. He's gay, I had read his signals correctly, and he had been having the same fears about revealing himself to me. I knew that he would never out me, not without my say so, he wasn't malicious like that.

Despite that he wouldn't out me, I knew that probably most of the school knew I was gay. I never kept a steady girlfriend for more than a month, and some people would tell you that I 'looked' gay. I don't know how much I believed this. I wasn't strictly effeminate, but I wasn't purely masculine either. There's so much diversity within the gay community, I don't think you could possibly pinpoint what gay actually embodies or looks like, but people were set in their ways and would judge and ridicule the things they failed to understand.

It wasn't always what people said, but sometimes the things they didn't say spoke even louder. I went to a school in a city with many different ethnic groups, all of us forced to mingle together in some respect on a pretty regular basis, but it was obvious that gay still wasn't okay. Teachers really adopted the attitude that if they didn't speak of it, it didn't exist. Sexual education didn't include any mention of the fact that there were boys who liked boys, and girls who liked girls, and any questions the gays or lesbians had were kept to ourselves for fear of being judged.

A shrill sounding final bell caused me to startle in my seat, and almost had me mess up the last word of the sentence I had been writing. I hurriedly closed my books, and made my way to my locker. Jarrett was waiting in close proximity to it, as I'd expected he would be.

I wanted to kiss him, but we never did at school. As much as people said you shouldn't care what people think, as confident as I wanted to be, it was high school; no matter what you did, how strong you were, the rumor mill was alive, and people were evil if you were in any capacity different than what they considered normal.

"Hi babe. How was Chem?"

"Freaking long. I couldn't focus. How was calculus?"

"Do you even have to ask? It's Ms. Joyce's class, I'd rather be shot in the face."

For the first time all day, I was able to genuinely relax and laugh. Everything was easier once I was around him, and since he so often made my days, I thought of the one thing I could do that would make his.

"I'm gonna tell them. Tonight."


	2. Chapter 2

**Coming Out **

**Chapter 2**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Law & Order: SVU or any of its affiliated characters. Any additional characters I have created are figments of my own imagination and intended to bear no resemblance to any real persons. Any actual similarities are purely coincidental.

He looked at me like I'd said I'd been elected as the next president of the United States.

"You are? About me?"

"About us, yeah. I'm gonna come out to them."

"Wow. That's huge."

"Yeah, it is. But it's necessary."

I'd never felt the way I felt about Jarrett about anyone before him, and I knew that if we were going to last, I couldn't expect him to live out our lives being a secret to my parents. His already knew he was gay, but he hadn't discussed the fact he had a boyfriend.

"I guess this means I can tell my family about you too, huh?"

"I guess it does." I smiled at him, knowing I had to leave quickly if I didn't want to miss my bus. "I gotta go, but I'll call you. I promise."

As I walked away more hurriedly than I would've liked to, I turned to look at him one more time, and heard all the reassurance I needed.

"I love you."

Buses were not my favorite mode of transportation, and this particular ride home seemed longer than usual. Kids were obnoxiously loud, and this one stupid kid who'd always had it out for me kept kicking the back of my seat.

"Faggot."

I felt his shoe repeatedly connect with my lower back through the seemingly too thin padding.

"I know you have a boyfriend. Everybody knows, don't think we don't just because you try to hide it."

I turned in my seat, too frustrated to keep my mouth shut.

"Fuck off, dude. Seriously. I will pound you into the ground if you don't shut the hell up."

"Pfft, I could take your scrawny ass in my sleep, Luca. Don't think that just because your parents are cops they can protect you."

"Oh shut the fuck up."

I really truly wanted to pummel him, but the bus came to my stop before I could. Being what I believed to be the bigger person, I descended the steps without so much as another word to him.

"Luca!"

My five year old sister, Lilian, bounded what I thought to be way too enthusiastically down the stairs toward the door to greet me with a suck-the-breath-out-of-you kind of hug. I would never let her know it bothered me, though.

"Hey, kid," I said as I ruffled her mop of curly brown hair. "Where's Mom and Dad?"

"At the peace station, _stupid._"

The accentuation she placed on the last word made me laugh harder than I had in a long time. I loved how she always called me stupid, when even at five and even though our parents had told her differently, she still insisted that a police station was, instead, called a 'peace' station.

"Then who picked you up from school?"

"Auntie Alex. We went to McDonald's. She brought you some, too."

I smiled at this. Everyone thought that Alex Cabot had a personality that so often bordered on bitchy, but I knew better. In court she may have to be tough, but outside of work, her heart was huge, and it showed itself all the time. Aside from my Dad, she was Mom's best friend, and had been around as "Auntie Alex" ever since my sister and I could talk.

"Aw, that's nice. Where is she?"

"Folding clothes."

I made my way into the laundry room, my kid sister following closely behind, and found the blonde deep in concentration, meticulously folding our laundry; something she didn't have to do, but that my parents would no doubt appreciate.

"You could've had me do that, you know."

I saw her startle a little, then look up at me, smiling.

"Oh, hi Luca. You're home. When did you get here?"

"Couple minutes ago."

"There's a Big Mac meal on the counter in the kitchen for ya. We brought it home when I picked Lills up."

"Yeah, she told me. Thank you, Auntie. I'm so hungry."

"You're welcome. How was school?"

"Long," I tried not to elaborate, hoping she wouldn't pick up on the fact that I was hiding something, but the attorney in her hardly missed anything.

"Everything okay?"

I fiddled with my hands and looked down at my feet, not wanting to make eye contact. I knew she'd be able to see through me if I did.

"Well..no."

I watched her finish folding the shirt she was holding, then set down the basket of folded clothes atop the dryer.

"Lills, go play with your barbies okay? I'll come up in a little bit and play with you."

"Kay, can I have juice first?"

"I gave you some. Your cup is on the coffee table, 'member? I told you you had to sit down while you drink it, and no taking it upstairs in case you spill it."

"Oh ya. Kay, I won't."

I watched my sister skip away, entirely content over something as simple as a cup of juice, and wished my life were that simple. As much as I loved Alex, I wasn't sure I wanted to talk. Coming out was a lot easier said than it was done.

"What's going on, Luca?"

"You won't hate me, right?"

"Honey, I could never hate you. Ever. No matter what you did, I wouldn't hate you. I've loved you since the first time your Mom laid you in my arms. If you're in some kind of trouble, you need to tell me so I can help you, okay?"

I realized that the attorney in her probably thought I was going to confess to being a conspirator to murder or something crazy, and almost laughed out loud.

"It's.. it's not horrible. Not what you probably think it is. I didn't kill anyone or anything."

I saw a smirk pull at the corners of her mouth.

"Good. I'm glad to hear my nephew isn't a killer. Now, what is it?"

I surprised myself by looking her right in the eyes.

"I'm gay."

I was relieved to see a wide smile slowly show itself as she let out a long breath.

"Oh honey, is that all? That's okay!"

"It is?"

"Of course it is! I don't care who you love, I just care that you are honest, they respect you and you're happy."

"Mom and Dad don't know. I was gonna tell 'em tonight if they don't get home too late."

"You should. I know it's not easy, and it's not the same as telling me; that their acceptance is much more important because they're your parents. But, I want you to know that if for some reason you feel uncomfortable, or it doesn't go well my door will always be open to you."

"That means a lot."

I felt her arms around me, pulling me into the best hug I'd had in a long time, and in that moment I knew I could do anything, even if it didn't turn out how I hoped.

"I love you, bud."

"I know. I love you, too."

The sentimentality of the moment passed as quickly as it had come, and I watched her for a few seconds, resuming her task of folding clothes.

"Your food is still out on the counter, hey?"

"Oh, shit, yeah. I forgot."

Leaving the room momentarily, I made my way to the kitchen, opening the paper bag with the McDonald's logo on it, and lifted out the cardboard boxes that held the food. Feeling that it was still decently warm, I didn't bother to heat it. I made my way back to the laundry room and I heard Alex ask me a question, but couldn't make out what it was.

"Huh?"

She put a fresh load of laundry in the washer, shutting the top, and made her way to where I stood.

"I said, do you have a boyfriend?"

My stomach got all fluttery at the thought of Jarrett and finally being able to freely discuss him.

"Actually, I do. Kinda why it was important to me to come out now. I didn't want him to have to live being a secret."

"That makes sense. Do you love him?"

"I do. He's probably one of the best people I've ever met."

"Aw. Well, I'd love to meet him sometime."

"You will."

Mom and Dad didn't get home until almost two thirty in the morning, and I was thankful I didn't have to be up for school the next day. Telling them what I was about to would no doubt drain me, good or bad results.

Mom came in my room to check on me, seeing that I was awake and reading. I figured right away that it must have been an awful day for her; her hair was disheveled, dark bags lined the skin below her eyes, crease lines from the patterns on the shitty pillows in the crib at the station had imprinted themselves on the right side of her face, making her look nothing short of complete hell.

"Hey, dude," she said, smiling weakly at me. That'd been her thing ever since I was little; she always called me dude. "What're you still doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep. And I need to talk to you and Dad. It's kind of important."

"Uh-oh," something resembling worry etched itself in the lines of her forehead, and I wondered for a moment if telling her now was a good idea. "Is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine. I just need to tell you guys something, that's all."

"Okay, I'll go get Dad."

I heard her footsteps all the way down the hall until they stopped at what I knew to be my sister's room. Soft murmurs followed between them-probably in attempt not to wake a sleeping Lillian, before I heard double the footsteps make their way back to my room.

"Hey. Mom said you have something important to tell us that couldn't wait. What's up?"

I felt him sit his body down on my bed by my feet, and was suddenly more nervous than I'd ever been. It was one thing to talk myself up about coming out to people when they weren't around, but entirely different when they were right in front of me, waiting for what I had to say.

"Well, uhhh.. there's something that I've been meaning to tell you both for a long time, it just never felt right. Auntie Alex already knows. I told her today when I got home, and now you really need to know. I'm gay. And I have a boyfriend."

I watched Mom's face soften, and saw a small smile, but Dad's stayed the same, he never even blinked.

"Oh, Luca, that doesn't matter to me. Like, not even a little. You didn't have to keep it from me. You're my son, and I love you. Whomever you love doesn't change that at all, but they have to be a good person and treat you right. If they didn't, that'd be the only time I would ever say something, and it would go for a woman, too."

"Thanks, Mom. You don't have to worry. He treats me really well."

"I would hope so."

Turning her attention to Dad, I could tell by the look in her eyes that she was trying to read him and pleading with him to accept what I'd said at the same time. I assumed my news would be difficult for both of them to some degree, but never did I think either of them would outright deny me.

"You need to leave. If my son is gay, he will not live under my roof. I can't accept that."

"Elliot! You may not be able to understand it right now, but you can't tell him he has to leave."

"I can't understand it at all, Olivia, and I can tell him whatever I want to, he's my kid too."

"That's just it, El. He's our kid..."

The conversation faded as they moved it as far away from my room as possible, Mom no doubt afraid to upset me, but I could still make out most of what was being said, even if in choppy pieces, as I grabbed a bag and threw some necessities in to it.

"He is the same child I gave birth to years ago, Elliot. Nothing is changing!"

..."live with the choice he made..."

"IT'S NOT A DECISION!"

"What do you expect me to do?"

"LOVE HIM! Jesus Christ, Elliot, he's your son! He loves somebody, and that somebody happens to be a boy who obviously loves him back. Why is that not enough for you?! With the profession we're in I'd have thought you'd only want someone to be good to our kids and have a head on their shoulders that wasn't completely fucked up!"

Opening my window, I threw the bag packed with what little I had grabbed from my closet down onto the grass below and climbed out after it. I knew where I needed to be, and for now it would be better than being at home.

"Luca!"

I stopped in the middle of the street not too far from the house, as Mom caught up to me, breathless.

"Your Dad is in denial, but he loves you. I know he does. It may take some time, but he could change. I'm sorry he's being such an asshole."

"Yeah, me too, Mom. Me, too."

"Where are you going?"

I debated for a second even telling her, but I knew she cared, and that Dad's actions were not her fault.

"Aunt Alex's."

"When are you coming home?"

"I don't know, Mom. Maybe not for a while."

She hugged me then, as if it would be the last time she ever did, and I had to will myself not to cry into her shoulder.

"I stand by you. You're still my child. I'll work on Dad."

"You can't always change people, Ma. It may be a waste trying."

"Call me, okay?"

"I promise."

"You can always come home."

As I walked away in the direction of Alex's house, I heard the same words I had earlier that day, but this time, they made me feel entirely different.

"I love you."

I realized then up against the cold wind in the wee hours of the morning, that love didn't necessarily conquer everything, but often brought with it complexity that was beyond human comprehension.


	3. Chapter 3

**Coming Out**

**Chapter 3**

A/N: So originally, this was supposed to be a two shot. I'm pretty sure I marked it as complete when posting rather than in progress, and I had every intention of stopping with chapter two, leaving it open ended and what happens open to readers interpretation. However, there was a review asking for an update and I did have this floating in my head after the completion of the last chapter. I intend for this chapter to be the last one.

On another note, I don't respond to all my followers' reviews individually, but I will address some of them within the Author's Notes of my chapters. There was one stating they didn't believe Elliot would react to Luca being gay the way he did, and really didn't seem to like the way his character in the last chapter was written. I am fully aware of what Elliot's beliefs are in the show itself, but I sometimes like to switch things up in fiction.

As someone who is gay, I know that it is not by any means a choice and coming out to certain people isn't easy. As unfortunate as it is, not everybody is able to love and accept their child or loved one being gay. My intention here, in writing Elliot the way I did, was for the sake of the story; to show that it isn't always easy, and sometimes when people come out they find acceptance from people and places they least expected it, while those they most expected to accept them have a harder time with it or don't at all. I couldn't possibly please all of my readers, and I'm sorry to have disappointed any of you, but I will always write and continue to share in hopes that there will be something else I create that may appeal to you. I appreciate all feedback regardless, and thank you all for your follows and your readership.

"Mommy, why is Daddy mad at Luca?"

I sat cross-legged on my daughter's carpeted bedroom floor, brushing the long blonde hair of one of her many Barbies, and tying it into a high ponytail.

"What makes you think he's mad?" Her eyes had a sadness in them I hadn't seen before as she stopped trying to squeeze a dark skinned doll into an almost-too-tight fitting dress, glancing at me before fixing her gaze on to the floor.

"Luca's at Auntie Alex's and never comes home with me, and you and Daddy don't act the same. Did Luca do something bad?"

I set down the doll I had been dressing and sighed, running a hand over my face, not knowing for the life of me how I would come up with an explanation that would satisfy my overly inquisitive child.

"No, Lills, he didn't do anything bad."

"Then why doesn't he come home?"

"He and Daddy just need a little break from each other for a while, but he'll be home soon."

"I miss him."

"I do too," I said, hoping that the part I had told her about her brother returning home would be a truth that occurred sooner rather than later.

###

"You want some breakfast? I know it's a little late, but I was craving breakfast food. I made way too much. You've been in here working forever, I figured you'd be hungry."

Not waiting to hear her answer, I placed the heaping plate on the corner of her desk anyway, figuring she'd either realize how hungry she was upon seeing it, or eat it later.

"Aw, thanks love, I'm starving."

I smiled, watching with amusement as she dug voraciously into the huge stack of pancakes doused in syrup in the middle of the plate.

"You're welcome. What are you working on, anyway?"

"Oh, y'know, lawyer shit."

"I couldn't do what you do."

She looked at me quizzically, raising an eyebrow and cocking her head to one side. "Why not?"

"I don't know. Just, the shit you see everyday; people being raped, beaten, abused, murdered, sometimes at the hands of their own families. I don't know if I'd have enough self control not to kill them myself, never mind sitting with them and hashing out plea bargains and shit."

A smirk played at the corner of her mouth that I could still make out as she sat, scribbling furiously, on a stack of legal papers she'd temporarily abandoned her pancakes for.

"I have my days, trust me. I'd like to strangle some of them, but then there are the few that get caught up in the mistakes of others and suffer for it, and I'd like to think that maybe even if they aren't completely good people, they're not entirely bad either. I think some people can be helped and some people do change."

I sat on the couch across from her desk and looked intently at her.

"Do you think Dad can change?"

Watching her mouth open and close repeatedly, I knew she was undoubtedly trying to choose her words carefully, either hoping she wouldn't say the wrong thing or attempting to come up with a response that would hide how she really felt.

"Luca, he loves you. I know he does."

"He's a douche."

The expression on her face changed suddenly from one of perplexity to amusement, her lips becoming somewhat contorted; It was obvious she was trying (and failing miserably) to conceal laughter.

"He definitely can be one, yes. Really though, his intentions are always from the right place."

"How is it possible to look at anyone's intentions as good, when they've disowned and denied their own kid?"

"Like I said honey, being in the job I'm in, I've seen a lot of losers. There are a ton of bad people, but there are also some people who make bad decisions because they don't know any better, or don't know how to cope. I don't agree at all with your father telling you to leave, and he can be an idiot, but I don't believe he's a bad person. He may just not know what to say. You could talk to him."

"And say what? I can't tell him I'm sorry for being who I am. The realization that I'm gay was a difficult one to come to, but I won't apologize for it just to placate him."

"Nobody expects you to do that, Luca. But if nobody makes the first move, things'll just stagnate. There's not much you have to lose now, is there? No matter what happens, you know you still always have your Mom and I."

The attorney in Aunt Alex did a damn good job of convincing people she was in the right, even when they so badly wished she were wrong.

####

_"He's so tiny."_

_ "Except for his cheeks."_

_ I watched by her bedside in the stodgy little hospital room that smelled heavily of bleach and antiseptic as she stared intently down at our newborn son. _

_ "Yeah, he's got chubby cheeks." _

_ "Definitely doesn't get it from me."_

_ She looked up at me then, and I became quickly aware that even though he didn't have either of our cheeks, he did bear a striking resemblance to Olivia._

_ "I think he looks like me the most, but he has your nose, El."_

_ His little face puckered into a look of disdain, he wailed a short cry as if to protest his mother's declaration._

_ "Uh-oh. Disagreeing with Mommy already, are we?" _

_ "Oh you wait, it's only getting started."_

_ I heard the familiar voice before I saw the body that held it, and didn't have to look up to know who it was. Alex Cabot stood leaning against the doorjamb, smiling across the room at my wife and the bundle she held in her arms. _

_ "Hey," Olivia said, looking over at her as she crossed the room and seated herself at the side of the bed I was not occupying. "You wanna hold him?"_

_ "You bet I do." _

_ As I watched her take him carefully from his mother's embrace and tuck him protectively into her own, I was in awe of how easy it all seemed to come to her. With no kids of her own, I wondered for a moment where she'd gotten the expertise which now made being with our son seem so effortless to her. As his father I was obviously protective, even just having met him, but I was scared beyond belief. What if I ruined him? Liv and I were now responsible for keeping this beautiful little pink thing alive, happy and healthy for at least the next eighteen years of our lives. Being in the job we both had, we knew the world wasn't always as pleasant as we wanted it to be. There were things I never wanted my kids to know even in passing, never mind see or learn for themselves. Fear was not something I detected on Alex's face as she held and rocked our son, and I envied that. I couldn't stand the thought of ever seeing my child hurt, or being the cause of that hurt myself. _

_ "Auntie Alex is gonna spoil you, Luca. Yes, she is. I'm your favourite, remember that."_

_ "God, don't brainwash the kid," I said, laughter creeping into my voice._

_ "Oh, whatever. Seriously though, he's perfect."_

_ "Thanks," I smiled warmly at her, in the back of my mind wishing my firstborn could stay this innocent forever. _

_#### _

"Elliot? Are you listening to anything I'm saying at all?"

My wife's exasperated tone echoing off the walls of the adjacent kitchen pulled me out of my recollections, and I quickly tried to remember something she'd said to me before I'd slipped into daydreaming that I could recount to her to prove I had been listening.

"Yeah, you uh.. you and Cragen were talking about you putting in some vacation time soon. I know."

She cocked her head to one side, looking at me as if I were crazy.

"What? No. I said this thing with Luca staying at Alex's has gone on way too long. I've been over to see him at least twice a week and I know he misses you. You should go talk to him."

_You should go talk to him. _I knew she was right, I knew I should. I was his father, for God's sake. It's not like he could get a new one if I wasn't going to be one to him, I just felt so conflicted. My child had just told me he was gay. I had dreamed of him being married, us having grand kids, all the normal things a father wants for his child. Now, I knew my son would have to go through hell and back and jump through hoops just to be treated with respect or achieve any of those things. It didn't matter how much progress had been made in the world, I saw the hate in it every single day, and it pained me to know that my son would experience it in any capacity for the way that he was.

"I know this isn't easy for you, honey. I know that. Even if you flew off the handle when he told you, I know you don't hate him. We have gay friends, we've dealt with all kinds of people from all walks of life in our work. Some parents have a harder time accepting that kind of news from their children, but you have to know this isn't a decision he made. It doesn't change who he is, and he still needs his father, probably more than anyone else right now. Please talk to him. If you don't know what to say, go over there anyway. It's a start."

Opening my mouth to say something, I closed it again when a knock at the door caused Olivia to move away from my line of vision and out of earshot. I heard muffled voices before seeing Alex and Luca make their way into the room.

"I brought him here. It was my idea for him to talk to you, Elliot. Please, listen to him." She squeezed his shoulder, and he stepped forward coming closer to me before speaking, Alex and Olivia leaving for another room providing us the privacy they believed we needed.

"Hey Dad."

He made eye contact, but struggled to keep it, trying to look anywhere but at my face.

"Hey, kiddo."

I watched him drag his feet back and forth across the floor, what he said next made almost inaudible by sounds of his shoes connecting against wood.

"I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

He looked directly into my eyes for the first time since he'd been there.

"Do you hate me?"

I thought back to the day he'd been born, images flooding my head, and looking at the young man he was now in front of me, hoping I hadn't fucked up irreparably.

"No, Luca. I don't hate you. I couldn't ever hate you even if I wanted to."

"Then why did you say such awful things the night I left?"

I ran a hand over my face, cautiously picking my next words, hoping that they'd be the right ones to fix the damage, or at least start.

"Sometimes bud, even though parents are supposed to love their kids, it's not so easy. I have seen people do horrific things to their own families that I tell myself I could never dream of doing, but then I sometimes think of their situations, and wonder if I'd actually do any differently if I were as desperate as some of them claim to be. You can tell yourself over and over what you feel, what you think, but when certain things come to be and you have to put those ideas in to practice it becomes a totally different ballgame."

"So, even though you have friends and know people who are gay and support them in their lives from a distance, it's harder to accept the feelings you had when I told you I'm gay because I'm your own kid?"

"Right. Look, Luca, the things I said to you were horrible. I know that now, but in the heat of the moment I was a dick, as per usual when I get upset. Since the day you were born I had plans for you, ideas about how your life would go, and I think every parent goes through realizing their child may not live their life exactly how their parents imagined they would, whether they're gay or not. I want you to be happy, but more than anything I want you to be safe. I see so much hate and ugliness at work, that I want to protect you from all of it. I know I can't, but I'll always want to. No matter how much the times change and how many doors are opened, there are people out there who will make your life more of a hell than I'd ever like to think about for you being gay."

"I know that, Dad. But I'm gonna have to deal with it. As hard as it may be for you to hear, there have already been times I've been targeted for people thinking I was gay. Now that I'm out to you, and will soon be out to other people, there will be many more times that I come into contact with people who don't understand and just want to be malicious, but you don't need to be one of them. No matter what you're afraid of, I'd like to think that you and Mom raised me well enough without sugar coating things so that I'd grow up and be able to handle myself. Lilian too. We need you on our side, not against us."

_You don't need to be one of them; we need you on our side, not against us._

I let that sentence roll over and over in my brain, and realized I hadn't done so bad. I'd had a hand in this boy being able to articulate himself to me as well as he was. As much pain as the world held, most of it didn't last forever. The choices we made had a hand in fixing many things, sometimes even the ones we never knew needed fixing in the first place. I made a decision, sitting across from my only son, to go down the road that would eventually lead us closer together.

"Tell me about Jarrett..."


End file.
